jokesbot.com

If Men Really Ruled The World.

-- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward
   your call to her real number.
-- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable Response To
   "I love you."
-- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" 
   cards.
-- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
   she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a 
   time-out.
-- Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the ass and a 
   "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
-- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
-- You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd
   worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
-- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team
   of your choice.
-- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
-- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
   acceptable excuse for tardiness.
-- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
   window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
   like Fred Flintstone.
-- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
   helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
-- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
   ugliness" ordinance.
-- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
-- Garbage would take itself out.
-- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
-- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
   wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
-- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
   occur in leap years.
-- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
   go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
-- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. 
-- But it would be celebrated every month.
-- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
   pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
-- Two words: Ally McNaked.
-- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
   off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in 
   world history.
-- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
-- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday 
   Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
-- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
   returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
-- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
-- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
   would actually reduce your fine. As in:
       Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
       You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
       Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
-- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
-- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. 
-- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
-- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
-- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.