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Prepare for the ski season
Ski season is almost here!!  Hence, the following is a list
of exercises to prepare:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the
    walk-in freezer for half an hour.  Afterwords, burn two $50
    dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after
    every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubberband around the top half of
    your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue
    smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw a hundred dollar bill away-----now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20
    times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis,
    accessory bag and poles.  Pretend you are looking for your
    car.  Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line
    them with crushed ice, and then tighten a c-clamp around
    your toes.

9.  Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8.  Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend
    to run into you at high speed.

7.  Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a
    hamburger.  Be sure you are in the longest line.

6.  Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride
    a motorcycle fast enought to make the ticket lacerate your
    face.

5.  Drive slowly for five hours- anywhere- as long as it's in
    a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4.  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
    spray blast your face.  Leave the ice on your face until it
    melts.  Let it drip into your clothes.

3.  Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed
    to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2.  Slam your thumb in a car door.  Don't go see a doctor.

1.  Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until
    it's time for the real thing!